I know what you're about to ask. What makes me think I'm qualified to give a frigid woman advice?
The answer is quite simple. I'm a perverted old man with a fucking dirty mind. Hell. I'm over-qualified.
So, now that we've got that out of the way. Let's get down to business.
How do you know if you are a frigid woman?
It's safe to assume you've never participated in any honest to goodness fucking; sucking dick/cock, anal, swinging, spouse swapping, or orgies. Nor have you ever eaten pussy.
Okay. No problem. But first, you are required to assess your level of frigidity.
You know you are frigid, if you:
- Hear the words penis or vagina, and immediately go into cardiac arrest.
- Watch TV and see an actress take off her blouse and show her bra, and you always faint.
- Think cartoon characters are perverted because you don't believe they're wearing the appropriate clothing.
- Tell your neighbor to make her husband wear a shirt when working outside in their yard. You are told to go fuck yourself.
- Interrupt grandma who's watching her favorite TV show, HBO's Game of Thrones, and you sternly insist she stop watching. You are told to go fuck yourself.
- Write a major music company demanding it stops producing music containing explicit sexual lyrics. You are told to go fuck yourself.
- Attempt to censor sexually explicit vulgar language on Newsvine. You are told to go fuck yourself.
- Have not been fucked in the last millennium.
- Have absolutely no desire to fuck, or ever dream about fucking.
If you meet any one of the above criteria. Damn right. You're fucking frigid. If you meet two or more, it means your vagina is frozen rock solid.
The solution to solving your frigidity problem is simple. Just follow my vagina-pleasuring advice.
In order to overcome your frigidity, you must engage both the physical and mental aspects of your sexual deficiencies.
My recommended remedies.
Clean your vagina. It has never been used to it's full potential, so it's now time to get it ready to be fully used.
You can use a vacuum cleaner, leaf blower, or a jack hammer if required. Make sure to use huge quantities of bleach. You can't be too careful when it comes to fungi.
Use vision aids. Have someone strap you firmly in a chair. Place a TV in front of you. Tape your eyes open.
You must watch porn eight hours every day for 30 consecutive days. If you miss a day, you must start over. No fucking cheating.
Sex props. You'll need a tootsie roll pop, a sugar daddy candy stick, and a banana. Suck each prop until all gone. Never bite. Repeat as many times as necessary until you master the art of licking and sucking. Which means you immensely enjoy doing it.
Physical application practice. Obtain hot dogs, sausages of varying length, and small whole bologna packs. Freeze until rock hard. Starting with the smallest one, open you vagina and insert. Masturbate. I know it's fucking cold. But the heated pleasure you've receive later will be fucking worth it.
Verbalize. Teach yourself to talk dirty to yourself. Find a secluded place where you're all alone. Call yourself a bitch, whore, slut, and every other dirty name you despise hearing.
It's important for you not to think of fucking or being fucked as dirty. Fucking isn't dirty. It's fucking fun.
If you precisely follow all the remedies I have prescribed, then you are on the road to ending your frigidity. You will be fucking cured.
If you fail to be cured. It's not my fucking fault. It's completely on you. Your vagina is either dead or dying.
In that case, I'll notify Father Guido that he's needed to perform the last rites for your vagina. I'll also notify Whores and Sluts Nation that your application to become a member is now null and fucking void.
To the frigid woman. Frigidity is all in your mind. All of the other dirty shit is in my mind.